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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
Just read a book on quantum evolution. The idea is that quantum mechanics are involved in the process of evolution. I still say go to WalMart and then try to sell me on evolution....
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
I just ran a .003048K
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!