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“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.