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I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?