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Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.