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I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking