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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke