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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.