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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol