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I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.