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If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.