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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.