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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something