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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"