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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards