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If suppositories were just a bit smaller, they would be a whole lot easier to swallow...........................
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.