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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day