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Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.