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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...