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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
Hello...
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.