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To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...