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Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.