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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.