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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
What number SPF blocks people?
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.