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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
Exercise? More like extra fries.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?