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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.