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If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."