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when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."