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Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"