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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend.......who`s in with me?
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
How`d this get posted?
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.