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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
What ? Who ? Exactly my point. Now move along and go read something else. Nosey !!
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.