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Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.