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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. LOL. But on the up side, it is fun!! ;)
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?