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I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
Bad decisions make good stories.