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People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
A leaf blower, but for people.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
I may be stupid but im also dumb! :D
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.