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Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
I think, therefore i`m single.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
I`m never free but I`m available.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.