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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.