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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don`t want myself to know about.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.