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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Attention fuels immaturity
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I just blew all my party money on bills again
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.