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If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...