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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.