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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.