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Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.