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I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
I just awesomed all over the place.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.