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They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
This century is already 15% over.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.