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I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome