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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.