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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.