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A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
Do bees even have knees?
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial