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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
Anything is legal when there`s no police around