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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.