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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
I`m a Leader not a follower. Unless it`s a dark place...then you`re going first!
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
I wish karma would send me email notifications.