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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
Mom in poetic mood ....Asked me to express emptiness .... I showed her my wallet ........ n m cheek still burns .... :-p :-p
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
I had your cake and ate it too.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "