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Akward Moment Is When Your Twin Sister Calls You Ugly(:
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.