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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
everyone is BEAUTIFUL in there own way--your just to UGLY to see that
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?