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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Does Holy Crap comes from Holy Cow.?
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.