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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something