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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
lol I rotfl
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.