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Which wine goes best with more wine?
I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
My life is a very complicated drinking game
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
Line forms here for spankings