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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.