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The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.