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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.