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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.