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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?