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Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.