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Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.