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I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol