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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person`s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.