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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
I`m just a boy...standing in front of a girl...asking her to lov.....aw who am I trying to fool. I just want in your pants.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops