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If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*