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"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
My life is a very complicated drinking game
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.