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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
Similarities between BRA and BAR 1. Both have similar letters 2. Both are drinking zones 3. When both opened men go crazy "prove me wrong"
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?