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Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…