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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.