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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.