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If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.