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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
lol <- looks like a stick man drowning. lol
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I`m pretty sure apple kid below needs help..
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is