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Eventually I will find Bigfoot and he will tell me all he knows about Hide & Seek.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe