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Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bullshit
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.