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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.