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DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!