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Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
"Everybody freeze!" -December
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.