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If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.