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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.