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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!