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Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
If I randomly burst out in laughter, it`s usually `cause I just told myself a joke I`d never heard before :)
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.