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The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.