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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
wants to rock and roll all night
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!