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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.