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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!
#Redskins QB Robert Griffin III back after surgery to reconstruct the ACL and repair the LCL in his right knee. He`s now RG 3.2
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.