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Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
The problem with you is ... you exist.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.