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The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn’t read that, you sang it.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."