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I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.