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ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.