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DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.